Sept. 24 2016
The unknown by Julie Szasz
The fear of the unknown seems to be a recurrent concern for my dad through this illness.
Let’s go back a bit…
My father was diagnosed with a stage 4 incurable rare sarcoma back in late April 2016.
After finally figuring out what the best option would be to treat the cancer, the side effects of the disease and the chemo had taken its toll on my dad.
See, my dad is a mathematician. A rational mind. Things must add up. Problems and situations have always had a solution, or at least a hypothesis to knowing the result.
Problem is now, the result is unknown. Every second seems to be an unknown. His mind is getting frustrated, he can’t determine the next step. What are we supposed to do?
We got an agenda, a notebook, someone is always with him. Everything is written down. But that’s not good enough for him. If something happens out what he seemed planned in his head… confusion arises and he is scared.
He said it: “Unknown”. His lips trembling making the word out with difficulty, in a very weak voice. Making complete sentences are getting harder and harder for him to do. His train of thoughts being interrupted by pain, by fear, by sorrow, by fatigue.
So I am here. Trying to grasp every second I can have with him. Trying to reassure him, that the unknown is not so bad and can be good. Let’s be hopeful I tell myself again and again. But I feel it’s useless to tell him… I fear he does not even know anymore what hopeful means.
So I remind my mom. Let’s have hope that things will get better.
I understand now, what it is to be a care taker. To look into your father’s eyes and see despair. See his confusion with this fear of the unknown. Asking himself what happened? This was not part of the plan, of his calculations.